Names in this story have been changed to protect the innocent. We here at Empire like to work with honest product reviewers – unsolicited, honest reviews are the only way to make sure we’re providing a great product. This story was submitted by one of our favorites, although this time will remain anonymous to protect the innocent…
â€œSo we had a new reviewer sign up with us a few weeks ago. We did the background check and everything came back crystal clear. We recently had sent her a vibrator that we had been asked to review. It was a very nice vibrator (visually that is) and had great potential. The new reviewer (who is 37 years old I should mention) had declared that she was wanting to review this product. So we sent it to her as her first review.
3 days later, she emailed her review back to us. Here is what the review said:
“The packaging for this product was beautiful. I have never seen such grace and care put into such an oddly designed item. The title and the font used were very well placed and incredibly easy to read. I thought the colors were very bright and vivid and quite easy on the eyes. I give this packaging two thumbs up. I would like to see more from this designer”
Hmmm…so I emailed her back and asked to please review the product, not the packaging. She emails back the same day and asks what I mean by “review the product”. I told her that she needs to use the product and give an honest feedback of the item itself. By this point I am realizing that she has no clue what she has signed up for, which concerned me a little, wondering if we need to be more clear about what we do here at our company.
I heard nothing back from her all day. The next day, she emails me and says she is confused and is unclear what she is supposed to do with the item. So I had to break it down for her in fine detail what we were looking for. She emails me back, obviously offended at this point that I would suggest she takes this vibrator and put it where god didn’t want her to put anything (yes, those were her words).
So I decided at that point to call her and try to clear this up…against my better judgment of course. The first smack in the face I received was the fact that when I called, it was answered “St. (Deleted) Convent, this is Sister Hazel, how can I help you today”? Unexpected to say the least, and I was rather speechless. So…now that I have managed to get my heart rate to slow down a touch, I asked to speak to our reviewer. For purposes of anonymity, I will call our reviewer, Sister Mary. So, Sister Mary gets on the phone…
She very promptly gave me a rather brief but to the point lecture about, what we are doing is wrong, and she explained that a student of hers suggested she become a reviewer for this new art site (i.e our company). See, she is an art teacher, so she assumed this was right up her alley (nice prank on behalf of the student I might add). At this point, I began to explain what it is we do here at our company, and I managed to put a twist of faith on it by explaining how there are people that are not blessed with the gift of having a significant other, and how God wants nothing more for his children, than to be happy. That this is not an act of adultery nor is it a sin. We are simply trying to inform people of facts, opinions and the many different choices when it come to this world of “self pleasure”. Oddly enough, I managed to convince her, a nun, that what we are doing is a good thing for people, by providing this information.
To make a long and painfully funny story short, she gave us her blessings, applauded us on our efforts and even purchased us a replacement vibrator (since she opened the one she had). Needless to say she is no longer a reviewer, and she really can’t recommend us to very many people, however, she did say that she has several people in her congregation that are in a lonely situation that she will try to gracefully direct to our site. Probably the best punch line? She is donating the vibrator to the “Women’s Shelter” down the street from her.
Moral of this story, make sure that if you are hiring someone for something, even if it is a volunteer type job, make sure you know what their “Current Line of Work” and “Position Title” are.â€